What Makes Life Hard?

I’ve learned something. What was hard for me at age 10 is not what was hard for me at age age 20 and was not what was hard for me at age 30.

At age 10, in the middle of the most difficult time of my life, I was bullied mercilessly. During the following decade, I was sexually abused, beaten, and humiliated. I was suicidal because of this. I don’t think it would be natural not to be.

At age 20, I was no longer bullied and I had actual, real friends! I had a place to belong. However, over the next ten years, I found three things difficult: building connections with other adults as they married and had kids; taking care of my personal needs (eating, etc); and dealing with my sensory issues. I spent much of my 20s learning, “OH! I don’t have to live with noise!”

In my 30s, I got married, but still have some disconnection with others. I’ve found the change between then and my 20s is that the sensory issues no longer are as huge in my life (thanks to understanding them and creating an environment which considers my needs) and my self-care is infinitely improved thanks to having a wonderful wife who makes sure I have food to eat (an amazing blessing). Where I find difficulty today is with work – as I’ve aged, I’ve gained more responsibility in my professional career – and that increases the social demands. There are different social expectations placed upon an entry-level programmer than are placed upon a senior-level team leader. I suspect it’s difficult for everyone, but it probably is easier if your team speaks your language (not English, but rather autistic vs. neurotypical).

What will be hard in my 40s? I have no idea. Life changes, and I’ve learned I am not great at predicting the future. I do know that since my 20s, my life has been a good one – I’ve been very fortunate to have good people surrounding me, good opportunities, and plenty of luck. That could change, or it could remain. Only time will tell.

Sometimes we need to take a step back from our worries about the future and concentrate on what we know about the now.

An Anniversary

Yesterday was my wife and I’s forth wedding anniversary. It’s been a wonderful time. We have one of many autistic marriages we know of – it’s clear we can form relationships just fine, thank you very much. I also think the basis of our marriage – honesty and communication – would help out a lot of other relationships among people who aren’t necessarily autistic.

I’m also thankful that in the USA, my federal government is recognizing same-sex marriages. That removes some of the taint of unequal treatment of others from my marriage, and thus makes my marriage more beautiful. Others are for the first time experiencing what straight couples have experienced for years – being treated like people.

Yet others still have trouble getting married – group homes deny people the ability to live together, people may live in states our countries that refuse to recognize gay marriage, or there may be any number of any reasons. My wife and I spent some time yesterday thinking of this.

We also spent some time thinking about the people who are single, either through choice or because they have not yet met their future spouse. There’s a ton of discrimination against single people – society assumes we should be married, even when we aren’t (and may or may not want to be). So we also remembered those people.

Our desire should be everyone’s desire: we want to see people happy (obviously without harming others). Whatever that ends up meaning.