Autistic people like clear definitions and rules. Some things don’t have good rules.
One thing that doesn’t lend itself to creating fixed rules is any type of relationship – whether a friendship, a romance, a one-night-stand, or whatever other type of relationship. People are messy. We’re complex.
But, it’s pretty simple to not be a creep.
First let me tell you what doesn’t make someone a creep: sexual attraction. Even if that sexual attraction isn’t mutually felt by the object of your attraction.
That said, there are a couple parts of sexual attraction, and it’s sometimes useful to separate them out, as they are felt differently in different people. First, there’s the “WOW! She’s VERY attractive!” type of attraction that isn’t based on a relationship. Typically, acting on this is a bad idea – chances are, if it’s a random person walking down the street, that other person has practically nothing in common with you. She might be gay (and you aren’t a woman). Or want to marry someone who can share her love of sailing (and you hate water). Or might not see you as attractive. Or might have completely different life goals than you. Or might not want the same depth of a relationship as you want (she might want a one-night-stand while you want a marriage, for instance). Or any number of other things that would disqualify you as a potential partner in her eyes.
So, acting on phase one of the attraction generally isn’t going to be successful. Of course movies are sometimes based on phase one attraction working to build relationships. Perhaps that’s why they are entertaining and interesting. But movies aren’t real life. And, yes, I know in real life there are sometimes people for whom phase one attraction was the only reason they met and things have worked out mutually well. That’s fine too, but it’s not the typical circumstance.
Phase two attraction is a bit different – it’s not just based on looks, but rather it’s something that develops as you get to know a person. This doesn’t mean that phase one isn’t there (someone can be both attractive initially and attractive after you get to know them!), but it is in addition. I think a lot of long-term partners would describe this as making their love life better – the combination of phase one and phase two can be very powerful and exciting (far more than phase one alone for many people). Perhaps this is why 1/3 of men seeking prostitutes seem to desire an emotional relationship with the prostitute – they are looking for that phase two combined with feelings of mutuality. The emotional attraction that comes with phase two is not separate from the sexual attraction – it actually creates a powerful sexual attraction. In many people it is even deeper than the phase one sexual attraction.
This phase two attraction is a bit different. As you get to know people – and sometimes this can happen surprisingly quickly – a mutual emotional connection might be formed, which increases the sexual desire of both. I’d encourage people to look more for this than the phase one attraction, while not denying the existence of either.
So, that’s my thoughts on general principles. Back to the rule. We’ve already said that sexual attraction doesn’t make someone a creep.
What makes someone a creep is simple: Creeps don’t care if there is mutual agreement about how to proceed in a relationship. If it doesn’t exist, they think they can create it – and try to do so. It’s an emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical violation.
That’s where you can get in trouble with the phase one sexual attraction. It’s almost certainly not mutually felt. The phase two attraction might develop as you and the other person get to know each other, but there’s probably more chance it won’t. Just randomly acting on “She’s pretty, I want to get her in bed,” is likely to meet with failure after failure. That getting to know her thing – even if it doesn’t make good movies – is important.
And, then, as you get to know someone, you don’t proceed without mutual agreement. Occasionally you might “test the water” and see if the other person wants to go a bit further in the relationship, but, if not, you have one thing to do if you don’t want to be a creep: listen. If she sees you test the water, and then gently lets you down, respect that and enjoy what you have with her – friendship or whatever else. Don’t try to figure out what different tactic you can try. She knows you’re interested, she’ll initiate if she changes her mind (she probably won’t). And, yes, even in western society women can and do test the water too. So listen for that too.
Of course I can see people asking, how do you test the water? I can’t tell you that. Each relationship is different. There is no formula, no matter what the pickup artists out there may tell you. Everyone is different. Just respect her if she says she’s not interested. Don’t try a different tactic, respect her. And if you keep persisting, and thus become a creep, don’t be surprised when she gets a little more forceful in rebuking you. She’s not a bitch, nasty, or whatever else. You were a creep.
If you allow her to think you are happy having a friendship, while really you want her in bed, and you won’t be happy with it remaining a friendship without sex, you’re also being a creep. You don’t have mutual agreement about the relationship. She’s thinking, “Oh, a friend! That’s cool.” You’re thinking, “How much longer do I have to put up with pretending to be a friend before I can get her in bed?” You’re not in agreement. You’re setting her up and trying to deceive her to get what you want.
It’s risky to say what you want. And if what you want is good for you but not good for her, she’ll probably turn her down if you allow her to do so (not allowing this would also be creepy). But part of coming to an agreement on a relationship is to communicate and understand where the relationship is at. For me, I can’t do that the way neurotypicals do. The slight and subtle hints and body language doesn’t work. So I need to try to be honest. But there are few things harder in the world than being honest and vulnerable. So I think autistic relationships – particularly between two autistic people, but also likely between an autistic person and a particularly understanding non-autistic, can look a bit different. Some things might need to be more explicit. A challenge is trying to make those things clear while not destroying the mystery and spontaneity of a relationship. It takes someone who understands.
I wrote this mainly from the perspective of a man looking for a woman, but it applies in all sorts of other relationships too. Two people might agree to have quick sex without an emotional connection – or three people might want to do something sexual together. That might be unusual, but it’s not creepy so long as you mutually agree on where and what the relationship should be. And you can be a creep without even seeking sex but seeking whatever else instead. Forcing a friendship to progress can be creepy just as trying to get the girl in bed can be.
So, don’t be a creep. Respect and mutuality.