Group Homes Refuse to Let Couple Live Together

An AP article, via Denver Post about a married couple denied the ability to live together shows a trend that has been happening for years.

I’ve written about it before: here, here, and here. Disabled people aren’t supposed to be sexy. We gross (some) normal people out. (ironically the same reason gays are in the middle of a fight for their right to marry)

Here’s the essence of the story: two mentally disabled people got married. Her group home (run by Catholic Health Systems of Long Island) doesn’t believe she can consent to sex. His co-ed home (run by Independent Group Home Living) says they aren’t staffed to help them with aspects of their relationship, “sexual or otherwise.”

This isn’t new. As I wrote about before, group homes have for a long time felt the need to regulate intimate behavior in ways that a non-disabled person would consider a violation of human rights.

They get away with it for two reasons. First, is the idea that disabled people need protection from the world. Too often, this manifests as a set of dumb restrictions (such as “married people shouldn’t sleep with each other”) that don’t actually make anyone safe!

Second is the idea that disabled people having sex is gross, perverted, and just plain wrong. It’s the same reaction that a straight guy might have in his gut when he thinks of two gay guys having sex. For lots of people, it’s “icky” to think about having sex with someone with a disability. So, because some people can’t see how someone would enjoy being intimate and sharing life with someone, the target of their prejudice ends up being restricted.

It probably doesn’t help that Catholic Health Systems runs her home, either. The obvious outcome of sex is children – the only thing more scary to some than disabled people having sex is disabled people having kids. And it very well may be that the wife doesn’t want to have kids (she may want them – I really don’t know). But of course no Catholic-run group is going to provide comprehensive sex education, birth control training, or other basic sexual health care and educational programs. It’s supposed to be in God’s hands – well, unless they are disabled and then we’ll stop it.

As for the ability of her to consent, why couldn’t she? You have to do better than “she’s labeled mentally retarded.” Certainly a group home or really anyone else should be helping her if she ends up in a situation she doesn’t want. But she wants this and has asked for it. How much more consent can you get? I suspect it’s really codewords for “if they sleep together they’ll have sex, and then they’ll have a kid and we don’t want that.” And that’s a whole other problem disabled people face – their right to have children is routinely and too-easily challenged, even when they are plenty or more capable than other parents of raising a child (but I’ll add “having kids” doesn’t always follow from “sleeping in the same home”). And, no, I’m not interested in your story about your disabled aunt who couldn’t care for her kids so you took her child (I can give you stories about non-disabled people who can’t raise kids). I know there are people who are unfit parents, but there are also plenty of fit parents out there. And research agrees with me (go look it up yourself, and, yes, people have done a LOT of research on parents with mental retardation).

As for his home, which is arguing “married couples are too tough,” especially “sexually and otherwise” – get over it. You have a co-ed home (and I wouldn’t be surprised if sex and relationships are already happening there – do you not think disabled people seek these things?). Nobody is expecting you to physically assist with sex. Really.

I’m not going to get into too much of this, other than to say it’s a problem I’ve been shouting about to the mountain tops with pretty much no acknowledgement by any disability organization. Nobody wants to touch “people labeled mentally retarded should be able to get married.” When one of them does, they’ll get my support (hint: it’s probably good not to send me fund raising email until you acknowledge all our human rights). But until then, I will keep shouting.

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